Coming out at work: Sophie's Pride story

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From associate to partner, Stevens & Bolton LLP’s Sophie Ashcroft reflects on coming out at work, building confidence with clients and why visibility matters in today’s law firms.

Coming out at work

I came out in 2014. I was in my late 30s and an associate in the dispute resolution team at Clyde & Co LLP. I qualified as a solicitor at 34 years old, after completing law school following my divorce from the father of my two older children. In the early years of my legal career, I was busy trying to juggle the demands of single parenthood with progressing at work and had little time for dating or relationships – I didn’t think too much about my sexuality. I often tried dating men, but not very successfully.

A lawyer in another department in my office was out at work as a lesbian and was good friends with one of my friends in the dispute resolution team. We’d speak occasionally, although we didn’t know each other well. One year at the firm’s Christmas party, we ended up in the same group all evening and that’s the evening we realised we wanted to be together. I hadn’t expected this at all, but it immediately felt right in a way that none of my previous relationships had.

We quickly got into a relationship after that party and because it had begun there, everyone at work knew about it from the start. There was some office gossip at first, especially as colleagues had previously known me as ‘straight’. Looking back, I was worried that this apparent change might affect how people at work would perceive me, but those concerns proved unfounded and my team was very supportive.

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Talking to clients about your personal life

I was more cautious with what I disclosed about my personal circumstances in conversations with clients. As a woman with young children, clients would often ask questions about my husband. For a while, I’d answer carefully, unsure how they might react if I said my partner was a woman. There was definitely some self-editing.

Building confidence and being open at work

However, over time, I became more confident about being open, regardless of who I was speaking to, and the reactions were always positive. People were often interested in how I’d come to be in a same-sex relationship after being married to and having children with a man, as well as how my children and family had responded to the change. These questions were often followed by, “sorry if that’s too personal, you don’t have to answer!” I never minded answering these questions, and often the person I was speaking to would have a similar story about someone they knew who’d come out as gay later in life and was happier as a result.

Moving firms and choosing to be visible

By 2021, my partner and I had had a baby and I’d moved to Browne Jacobson LLP as a partner. Browne Jacobson is a very inclusive firm, known for its focus on social mobility and diversity across the board. When I moved, I made a conscious decision to be open about my sexuality, both within the firm and with clients. I found it to be such a supportive environment and, again, clients were nothing but positive and often said they welcomed working with diverse teams of lawyers. Large corporate clients now have a strong focus on diversity and expect their law firms to reflect this too.

I think coming out later in life played a big part in how quickly I felt able to be open. Had I been younger, particularly in the corporate environment between 2015 and 2020, I might have worried more about how senior colleagues would perceive me, and whether it might affect my progression (whether or not that was clearly identifiable as the reason). In my career before law, I’d witnessed countless instances of sexism and homophobia, including senior individuals making negative comments about female and gay employees. As a junior employee, I simply didn’t feel able to speak up and challenge this behaviour. Being older gave me the confidence that, if I experienced any negative behaviour on account of being out, I could address it.

The moment that changed my perspective

Everyone should feel able to come to work as their whole self, without thinking about editing out parts of their lives when talking to colleagues or clients. Policies provide an important framework for this, but culture is what really dictates how you feel at work.

To paraphrase something I recently read: culture is defined by the worst behaviour tolerated. In a previous role, I was once working for a client based in a jurisdiction known for being anti-LGBTQ+. We were going to have lunch with this client and I expressed a concern to the partner I was working with that I wasn’t sure what to say if the client asked me about my personal life, as I was worried they might decide they didn’t want me working for them. The partner’s response was: “If that happens then we don’t want their work anyway.” It didn’t come to that, but that support meant so much to me and was probably the moment I stopped worrying about how others might react to finding out I was gay.

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Becoming a visible LGBTQ+ role model in law

Once I became a partner, it was important to be a visible role model, so that if anyone else around me was uncertain about how being out about their own sexuality might affect them at work, they could see that it had no negative impact on progression. Both Browne Jacobson and my current firm, Stevens & Bolton, have thriving LGBTQ+ networks and it’s fantastic to see people at all levels getting involved, supporting each other and being supported by their firms.

Sophie Ashcroft is a partner in Stevens & Bolton’s dispute resolution team.