Replace rejection with resilience

How do you deal with rejection? Job application after job application, interview after interview, and no proper feedback or real understanding of why you didn't get the job. I have worked with many people who find themselves in these challenging situations; they don't know what to do or where to look, often feeling disheartened and demoralised. "What's wrong with me?", "I'm not good enough", ''What am I going to do?”, “Maybe this isn't for me?"; these are just some of the responses I hear from people.

So, in times when competition is rife, expectations of excellence are a prerequisite and you are feeling at an all-time low, how can you increase your resilience? Although there is, sadly, no magic pill or standard response that will make it all OK, there are things you can do to help yourself and increase your resilience.

Albert Ellis, an American psychologist and one of the founders of cognitive behavioural therapy, talked about the catastrophe theory. An example of this is when faced with an obstacle, challenge or setback, people choose to be helpless in the face of it and adopt an attitude of hopelessness. As a result, they fail to find a way through the challenge.

Ellis believed that the event itself – in this instance, the job application or interview – is not the reason for the consequence (ie, rejection), but you have added your own beliefs and assumptions (often negative) which lead you to believe that is the genuine reason for the consequence.

An easy analogy is taking a driving test. You fail it not once or twice, but 10 times. You may feel ashamed and embarrassed, which leads to feelings of frustration and anger towards yourself, for failing something which everyone can do and is supposed to be easy! Your assumptions are that "everyone" (a generalisation) can do it and that it is easy, and these are what you link to the actual event (the driving test).

When you have experienced rejection often enough, your emotions (eg, shame, embarrassment, frustration or anger) and then your thoughts about yourself in relation to the event (eg, 'I'm no good') become a subconscious habitual pattern. So, how can you separate the event from your own beliefs about it? How do you break that unhelpful pattern?

In order to become more resilient, you have to reframe your thinking. Start thinking about what you need to do (ie, opportunities) instead of focusing on what you have done (ie, failures). Focus on moving forward and learning from your rejections, rather than looking backwards and dwelling on them.

When you have faced rejection, rather than being hard on yourself and blaming yourself, consider that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Although that may be easier said than done, you need to start thinking about it objectively. Here are a few tips on what to do if you are getting rejected at either the application or interview stage:

• Reassess what you are doing, including whether it is appropriately adapted for the positions you are applying for.
• Get someone you trust to look at your applications for you. It needs to be someone who will give you honest and constructive feedback.
• If you get rejected at the interview stage, sit down and write down everything that you felt you did not do well and ways to do it better.
• Do not let rejection underestimate your abilities and faith in what you can do.

Self-help guru Napoleon Hill said: "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." Try to recognise that by increasing your resilience, you are building your skillset and coping mechanisms, without necessarily recognising it at the time.

One last tip; try not to take the rejection personally – it might just be a blessing in disguise!

Neeta Halai is owner of New Heights Training, a qualified solicitor and experienced corporate skills trainer/coach. If you want to find out more about how to increase your resilience, take a look at New Heights Training and get in touch.